Pop Goes the…Weasel? by Contributing Editor Bella Kole

Once upon a time, I was a sixteen year old virgin.

There I was, with my first real boyfriend, in his dark bedroom. He was dreamy. He was tall and had this amazing head of brown hair. He was the epitome of a teenage rocker. He was Byron.

We’d been dating for a couple months, and we’d gone through almost all of the motions in an adolescent teen boy’s wet dream. Kissing? Check. Heavy making out? Double check. Oral? A very red-faced check. Sex? Not so much of a check.

We’d been making out, I’m sure. The precise prelude to pain and faux ecstasy is all a faded blur. But even at that immature age, foreplay was still present.

“Hey,” he said in a breathless air of question.

“Hhm?” (I mean, who wants to really talk during a time like that?)

“Do you, uhm, want to?”

Do I want to… what? Knit a sweater? Mow the lawn? Make an omelette?

“Want to what?” I asked in between kissing his beautiful lips.

“You know,” kiss, kiss, kiss, “… it?”

Hault! You have my attention!

I gulped. I froze. I hadn’t really thought about it, I guess. Did I?

“We don’t have to,” he said, “if you’re not into it.”

“I’m into it,” I said. Me and my loins.

“So, you want to?” he said shifting oddly above me.

My heart was pounding in my ears and my face felt like hot coals. “Okay…” After all, if I didn’t like it.. I could stop. Right?

The kissing started back up… but more hands seemed to be involved. Within moments, I had no underpants on… and was more naked than I’d ever been outside the confines of my mother’s womb and the bathroom.

Whoosh! Condom. Whoosh again! Covers over our bodies. And whoosh!

My brain screamed at me, “What the HELL?”

A blinding pain like no other came rushing up from my privates. I couldn’t help but yell out.

“My gawd!” I could feel tears forming in my eyes. It felt like my vagina had swallowed forth the Mauna Loa volcano… during an eruption.

“You like that?” he tried to ask in a sexy voice. Having been a virgin himself, it only sounded comical. I might have laughed had my inwards not been ripped to shreds moments prior.

“No,” I said, “I’m not. I’m pretty sure I’m dying.”

He immediately stopped but stayed “in place.” His face was stricken in horror… like the face of a child when they’ve just broken your antique china. “Should I stop?”

“… I don’t know…”

I explained to him the pain… the burning… the volcano. He apologized and finally removed himself from within me. Upon his exit, he looked “down there.” In my mind, I imagined it looking something like the Grand Canyon. His eyes doubled in size, and he went white.

“What?” I asked concerned.

“Blood,” he pointed, “lots of blood. Oh gawd…” He stood and walked to the other side of the room while I was left to clean up the mess. A true romantic.

I would like to say the next time was better, but in reality, it wasn’t. I can’t remember for certain when the depths of Hell removed itself from my nether region. But I know it wasn’t instant. I went through the 12-step program for losing my virginity. Had I known then what I know now, would I have done anything differently? Yes. Brought Lidocaine.

Bella Kole, a domestic diva, spends her days in the realm of art. At night, when the lights go off, Bella delves into the world of feathers, vibrators and sexual mishaps. Conquering the world one AA battery at a time, she brings her years of experience (and inexperience) to you! Bella is a Contributing Editor here at Pink Nighties.