Red Panties by Sonia Bali
She walked into the kitchen and picked up her favorite coffee mug; boldly embossed on it were, “World’s best daughter.” She felt guilty; she didn’t feel that she deserved that title, not today, when she was not sure of herself. She had been with Steve for a year now and for their first anniversary, he wanted her virginity, to possess her and to make her his. She didn’t know how to feel, somewhere she had held out so long because she never wanted to ‘get-it-on’, she was always the different one, the one with strong character. She wanted to be in love and then feel that love between her legs, not before that. She wanted all of it - passion, longing, romance, love that encompassed everything. While each of her best friends got deflowered as they would say after the second beer, she secretly felt good about herself. “Are you a lesbian?” She never bothered to answer such questions, but she knew that the jerks she had dated all along had never been worthy of it. But Steve, he was different. She felt it deep within, something about him; he is over zealous, so crazy about me, so… she left that thought hanging in mid-air.
She filled her mug with some steaming coffee and sat down, gingerly tapped her fingers and wondered what she really wanted to do. “I don’t know if I want to sleep with him. Is this really love?” But she was not even sure if she wanted to push him away. What would mom say, “You need to listen to your heart, baby” That’s what she would normally say anyway but somehow she knew that her mother wouldn’t have liked it. Not with Steve. There was always something about him that irked her mother and neither of them had been able to address it. There was also this nagging feeling behind all her troubled thoughts, “I don’t want to do it. Not with him, maybe someone else, if I am lucky to ever fall in love. Wasn’t she in love with Steve?” Everything was clouding in her head. “I don’t want to get ‘deflowered’.” How she loathed that word!
She was tired of making up her mind, she just wanted to say ‘No’ and take a break. She thought about how to break this to Steve, what could she say, “You know, I can’t do it.” Or she might say, “I love you and let’s just wait it out.” She knew she wasn’t too keen about it, she had heard from Martha over and over again, how much it hurts the first time, also what happens if she bleeds. Last night she had secretly looked up ‘virginity’, ‘pregnancy’, ‘first time sex’ online but had not come up with anything commendable. She gulped her coffee, it tasted bitter. How could she explain this to mom, no, she decided, she will never tell her mother. It hurt her deeply, her mother had been her confidant all through her teenage but not this time, she made up her mind.
“I can’t do it. I am not even sure about this.” As she showered, she took out her fresh lavender body wash and lathered up in all nooks, corners, curves to make sure she smelt good. She was ashamed, she was pretty sure she wouldn’t do it anyways, so why she questioned herself. After the hot shower, she stepped out and sprayed mist allover. She swirled and looked at her slender arms and felt good about her body, it was taut and she had been running for a while now. She came closer to the mirror and slowly allowed the towel to drop a little as she stared at the obvious. She looked at it and fell silent. She had small breasts, but surprisingly that had never bothered her. She never touched herself, ever; it was so wrong and ungodly things people do! She blushed and thought about him. It had been a year, how time flies! A year of dating, kissing, partying, groping and kissing all over again. It never meant anything more but today was their first anniversary and she didn’t have a good feeling about it.
She slowly let the towel drop and stood naked ascertaining her feminine reflection. She turned around and saw the nice curves in the back. “What am I doing silly?” She didn’t like bras, they just ate into her skin, she always got away with a tight tee. She would do it today too. Today is nothing special. They would just meet for an hour for lunch and grab some ice-cream, and then she would head out to meet her friends. She pulled up her tank top and layered it with the new burgundy tee she had picked up. And as she looked inside her chest of clothes, for a minute she looked at her panties, unsure of which one to wear. Maybe the usual boy shorts or should she do a lacy one. She waited to see if God had some opinion and waited to see something would give her an indication. Nothing happened. And soon, she ran out pulling up her jeans.
“We can’t do it. I can’t. I have been telling myself and I can’t” He was quiet as he ate his sandwich and gulped his drink. She hadn’t even touched her salad and soup. She looked unhappy. “I would hate myself, and we are in love right. We can wait. This is lust, and we shouldn’t do it.” He ate on effortlessly, soon he was done. “I don’t want to eat.” He looked up and gave a big grin, “Baby, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. What are you so upset about? Just forget it. I said, only if you want to give me a gift” And she finished up her salad and they got out. “Can we have some ice-cream?” They drove around and got some chocolate and vanilla ice-cream, as different as each were for one another. “I booked the hotel room, we may as well go ahead and get some sleep next to each other.” He winked and she smiled. “And you won’t do anything.” He grinned, “Nothing.”
Before she knew it, he was pulling her tee and she had no idea how to stop him. It felt good, something warm, some weird sensations in her stomach, love probably she assured herself. And soon, they were naked; he entered her without any warning, she screamed and pushed him. It was too late, he went on, cooing into her ears “I promise, next time you will feel better.” She hated him, she wanted to kick him but he was so strong that she felt helpless. Her tears stung her eyes and she shut her eyes tight. “Make this go away. Please. Please.”
When she opened her eyes, everything was blurred and then she remembered everything. She woke up, he had left with a note, “Had to leave, call from the hospital. Just check out and take my car. I will call you later hun, Love you so much. Happy Anniversary” “You are kidding, damn you!” Her tummy was killing her and she felt sick. She thought she will throw up; she went into the bathroom and sat on the floor. Nothing happened. All these days she had stood for love and how love encompassed everything, now everything was distorted. She hated her boy friend, she couldn’t share this with her mother without hurting her, and she couldn’t tell her friends without coming across weak and stupid. “Love, lust… everything is overrated,” she spit out violently.
She went back to the room and looked at the sheets; there were tiny specks of red dots. She showered and felt human again. “I will never talk to him again” She came back into the room looking for her clothes, she found everything except her panties. She looked around, pulled out the sheets, crouched onto the floor. And then she saw it, right by the bed lamp below on the carpet, her beautiful red lace panty lying fragile and limp.
She fell onto the floor clutching her panties…frail and helpless. And she cried for a long time.
Sonia Bali lives in a quaint European village. She packs as much as she can into life, loves writing and tries to learn something new each day.
